The Arabian Nights of Harry Potter
by liziwheathy
Summary: Chap. 2: Encyclopedia Brown and the Mystery of the Weasley Proposal...and others
1. Mad Libs and Opium

The Arabian Nights, Harry Potter Style

With a little help from your friends Lizi and Heathy

Explanation:

These stories are made from a series of mad libs type situations. They are completely random, but each chapter has a standing theme. This chapter's theme: opium.

Now enough acting smart. Let's get down to bizschnocks (businesseses).

Some Strange Rules to the Stories:

Every curse word must be replaced with "Gary Oldman", "Crazy Gary Oldman", "Sexy Gary Oldman", or "We love Gary Oldman" (this is referred to often; do not be disturbed or confused when we mention Snape's Gary Oldman sexiness).

Introduction to Main Plot:

Lizi and Heathy have to tell these stories so the charges of possession, driving without a license, driving drunk without a license, driving high without a license, burying a live body, and stealing sardines from the dark lord are dropped.

So Heathy said, "Lizi, what's the first thing you can think of?"

"Mad Libs and Opium."

"I'll call the publisher."

* * *

Story 1: The Opium…Gary Oldman

Snape seduces Luna Lovegood with a fur coat on a sexy evening.

Severus Snape had just come out of an opium bar conveniently placed directly outside the gates of Hogwarts. This being his first time puffing the white sultan, he did not realize that it would be such a potent aphrodisiac. In other words, he was horny as hell.

In his horniastic state, he noticed a goddess with blonde hair. His mind failed to register that this was a teenager, a student, and someone who planted different varieties of vegetables with the sole purpose to use them as jewelry. For some reason, this made him even hornier.

What made things worse was this was Hogwarts' new and improved spirit week. Today was Tuesday and therefore Hooker Day (this, of course, was referring to Officer T.J. Hooker, but Dumbledore failed to realize this was a double entendre).

Snape had a god as a pimp. Snape wore a fur coat with pink flamingo sunglasses and a green bowler hat. Of course, as we all know, this made him Gary Oldman Sexy sexy.

Luna Lovegood had discovered the opium bar as well. Strangely, or not strangely, this seemed to make her saner. As a sane person, she saw Snape's Gary Oldman Sexiness (as we all do at some point) and she also just happened to like the Orlando Bloom greasy look.

Snape tried out one of his new found lines:

"Hey sexy, you're so gorgeous you must have been hit with a pretty stick." He then twirled his fur coat around, making it gleam.

She stroked his cheek sexily and said, "Next year, let's be laughing together." They stared at each other in awkward silence (because these are very awkward people to be around), then furiously started making out.

And they rolled off tenderly into the woods and made opium induced Gary Oldman (a.k.a. Sex) creepily ever after.

FIN…Opium….and Gary Oldman.

* * *

Story 2: Opium Induced Clue

Lupin kills a ferret Malfoy with a candlestick on a nice sunny day. After opium, of course.

Lupin decided to play a muggle game of clue with the golden trio, opium, and fried ice cream….with nachos, of course. He hunkered down for the long afternoon of farting, homicidal thoughts about Malfoy, and nachos, of course. After using his full brain power to come up with absolutely nothing, he comes up with a pretty faced plan including pictures and graphs.

Most of it was the scientific equation, candlestick equals die, but hey, you can't blame a guy for trying, especially when he's high. Lupin watched in the bushes, waiting for Malfoy, to turn him into a ferret, laugh when he goes down Goyle's pants (animals have NO self control), and then kill him.

While Lupin sat, he witnessed the following events:

ONE- Everyone in the world died and then was reborn as inferi and was suddenly and strangely scared of Santa and the floo network.

TWO- A diss-off and kiss-off between Hermione and George.

THREE- Out came the board game and off came the clothes.

Seeing as number 2 is the most important of the three, we will just get to the part you've all been waiting for.

"And you know why Ron is so stupid? It's his mother's fault. Hereditary, I tell you." Said Hermione.

"You leave my mother out of this!"

"Oh, I'm not talking about your mother George, I'm talking about Ron's mother. Your mother is very nice."

Awkward silence…….

Suddenly, George and Hermione fell to the ground as Gary Oldman cast a spell over them. In other words, they started madly making out.

Then, number 3.

"Let's play a board game!" said Hermione.

"What?" asked George.

"Clue!"

"I'll join you," said Lupin dragging a ferret behind him.

"Alright, here are the rules," said Hermione (don't forget that the opium had gone around at least three times before we even started writing), "someone has to die if they don't get naked."

"Right-o," said Naked Lupin.

"Woo!" said George, taking his shirt off.

"Alright," said Hermione, wearing a leather bikini and holding a whip, "lets get down to bizschnocks."

"Woo!" said George.

"Woo!" said Lupin.

"Wait!" said Hermione. "The ferret isn't naked!"

They all paused and turned to glare at Malfoy ferret who was desperately tugging at his fur and staring around with wide/sad/puppy/ferret/horny eyes.

Lupin took out his candlestick with which to murder Malfoy and started beating it against his hand. "I know what to do with this…"

"Squeak/Goyle/Me/Squeak/Potter/Opium/Squeak/High/Squeak/Snape Hooker!" Ferret/DeadMalfoy/NoLongerSexyGod said as he died.

"Is Snape really a hooker?" George asked after all the commotion was over.

Hermione glared at him.

"Sorry, stupid question."

And they all played Clue happily ever after with lots and lots of Gary Oldman. I think Professor Plum killed Bob Dylan in the Living Room with the nosebleed nugat as well.

FIN…Gary Oldman…and Clue.

(Lizi ran screaming 'pie' down the hall while looking for Bob Dylan and Heathy tried to write the next story)

* * *

Story 3: Opium on a Voyage….a Pretty Short Voyage

Penelope Clearwater smokes opium on a voyage to find the lost paper of Atlantis.

Athena, in the form of Snape, came to Penelope Clearwater in a dream. She said many things, some of which were:

"Odysseus is cheating on you. Kill him."

"Find the lost paper of Atlantis. Now."

And……

"I order you to find yourself a husband…you have three hours to complete these tasks."

Penelope answered (in the dream, of course), "Odysseus who?"

Snape and Athena started switching on and off. We actually think this entire line was said by Snape. "20 points from……..I meant Percy, dear………Gryffindor, for your cheek."

"I was never in Gryffindor. I was in Ravenclaw."

"Gary Oldman, you! 5,000,000 points from Gryffindor!"

This was all an illusion created by more opium then we care to talk about (and that's A LOT if you haven't seen how much we've already talked about). Nevertheless, Penelope was able to brutally murder Percy, get an Order of Merlin for the kind and generous deed, and play strip poker….I mean Clue…..five times, all in little over an hour.

The lost paper of Atlantis was found being used as a pooper scooper in a park not far from Piccadilly Square and Penelope was able to meet a wonderful person named Remus while playing Clue. She was able to complete the tasks in 2 hrs and 33 minutes.

This just goes to show that drinking, drugs, stripping, and Snape can't be all that bad for you…….And good, of course, for everyone else.

FIN….Clue……and Naked Lupin.

* * *

Now Back to Fictional Reality:

"So Lizi, what did we learn today?" Asked Heathy.

"Never steal Lord Voldemort's sardines," she said, falling back onto her prison cot.

* * *

Reviews will help free us from prison……or get us high…..or whatever you want... 


	2. Gary Oldman and Religious Persecution

The Arabian Nights, Harry Potter Style

With a little help from your friends Lizi and Heathy (and Frachel, our star guest for this chapter)

Explanation:

These stories are made from a series of mad libs type situations. They are completely random, but each chapter has a standing theme. This chapter's theme: opium.

Now enough acting smart. Let's get down to bizschnocks (businesseses).

Some Strange Rules to the Stories:

Every curse word must be replaced with "Gary Oldman", "Crazy Gary Oldman", "Sexy Gary Oldman", or "We love Gary Oldman" (this is referred to often; do not be disturbed or confused when we mention Snape's Gary Oldman sexiness).

Introduction to Main Plot:

Lizi and Heathy have to tell these stories so the charges of possession, driving without a license, driving drunk without a license, driving high without a license, burying a live body, and stealing sardines from the dark lord are dropped.

So Heathy said, "Lizi, what's the first thing you can think of?"

"Mad Libs and Opium."

"I'll call the publisher."

Story 4: Encyclopedia Brown and the Mystery of the Weasley Proposal

(strangely, this mystery has nothing to do with Encyclopedia Brown. Funny, though).

One fine day in 1967 (because everything always happens in 1967- even the 70's happened in 1967; so as Madonna was playing 'Material Girl', Marx was protesting materialism, and the Berlin Wall was put up, yelled at, and torn down in the same day), Arthur Weasley proposed to Molly Prewett in the long time span of an hour (because everything is wrong- and long- in the 60's).

Arthur stared into Molly's eyes and said, "do you like shampoo?"

"What?"

"Your hair is quite frizzy, do you like shampoo?"

"WHAT?"

"Er…Er…Nothing." He tried again. "Baby, let's build the Sistine Chapel and get high together."

"Did you say religion? I'll do it!" Before they knew it, they were a go-go. (Lizi breaks into weird 60's lingo and Heathy rolls eyes)

"Man, our love is like a psychedelic bomb!" said Arthur.

"That means you'll love me and cherish me, and marry me, right?"

"Er…Sure…"

"And we'll have 8 billion kids."

"Er…Oooo…Kkkaayy…huh?"

"Or 8. 8 is good."

"Make it 7 and I'll marry you right now."

"DONE!"

(Lizi: That's the most beautiful love story ever.

Heathy: That's sick.

Frachel: Let's make Psychedelic love with the ghoul in the attic.

Heathy: No, THAT's sick.

Lizi: Whatever man, I'm juiced anyway (more 60's dialogue)…Gary Old, man.)

The End, Gary Oldman (with a psychedelic twist)

Story 5: Snape and Bob Dylan

Snape goes back in time with a feather duster to stalk Bob Dylan and party on.

Snape loved dusting and Bob Dylan (secretly).

He decided to stalk Bobby and go back in time to when he was Gary Oldmanly gorgeous.

He thought, 'Bob Dylan, let's go party on with a feather duster and midgets!'

(Frachel: Oh me and my knives

Heathy: bovine?)

Snape met Bob Dylan in nineteen sixty something at a bar. Most likely an opium bar. This is the situation:

Snape: (giggles Gary Oldmanly)

Bobby: Whaaaa?

Snape: (voice suddenly high pitch) he he he…wee, I'm too sexy.

Bob Dylan: You'd better take advantage before the opium wears off.

Lizi: STOP!

The scene suddenly changes. It is the same, but Lizi is there instead of Snape. She giggles. In fact, she may have been working through Snape all along.

Lizi: And They made sweet sweet Gary Oldman and Bob realized he wanted her to be his wife and they get married under a Jewish canopy

Heathy: Lizi, that never happened

Lizi: Shhh! Don't spoil the fantasy!

Heathy: And stop with the Jew stuff

Lizi: RELIGIOUS PERSECUTION! You're just like Gary Oldman!

Over…Happy Chanukah! Gary Oldman.

Story 6: Gary Oldman

Gary Oldmanly, Snape realized that he wanted to screech (a.k.a. Gary Oldman) with the Weasley's.

Heathy: That's Gary Oldman (a.k.a disgusting)

**INTERRUPTION!**

Dear Publisher of Lizi and Heathy (and temporarily Frachel),

I, Gary Oldman, would like to complain on the strongest terms possible about your biased assumptions of my thoughts, my opinions, and my private life.

I am not a sex god

…Wait. Scratch that, start over. I AM a sex god. Remember that.

My sexiness is not (under any circumstances) to be associated via Snape!

(Via…hmmm…I should name my daughter that…)

My name, or my personage, is not disgusting

(I am not an Oldman, not an old man….like Bob Dylan)

OUT OF LETTER EXPERIENCE

Lizi: Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh!

INTO LETTER EXPERIENCE

I am not opium

(though if, as payment for your heinous crimes, you might happen to have some, then…)

Furthermore, to the attractive, wonderful, mysterious, fantabulous writers of the story….and Frachel….GARY OLDMAN you and your GARY OLDMAN families to GARY OLDMAN GARY OLDMAN----------

THE FOLLOWING INAPPROPRIATE WORDS OR PHRASES HAVE BEEN ERASED FROM THE PROGRAM, COMPLEMENTS OF IF YOU HAVE COMPLAINTS CONCERNING OUR NEW AND IMPROVED PARENTAL GUIDELINES SYSTEM, CONTACT-

(cut off with another web-based add)

–YOUR LOCAL FBI OFFICE IF YOU HAVE SEEN ANY OF THESE MISSING CHILDREN------------------------

(Gary Oldman- looking at the photos of missing children OH MY GOD! THAT'S VIA! NOT VIA! YOUR DADDY LOVES YOU VIA!)

Sincerely,

Gary Oldman

a.k.a.

god of sex

……………………………

Frachel: Jesus Christ on a crutch, is that FBI guy after my opium?

Lizi: Why was Gary writing a letter in the middle of our story?

Kublai Khan: Ghan-Buri-Ghan, Ching Chong Ching

Heathy: We'll excuse your Mongolianese for now.

Kublai: Chicken Chow-Mein!

Publisher: THIS RACISM MUST CEASE AND DESIST!

Buddha: You tell 'em, girlfriend!

The World: RELIGIOUS INJUSTICE!

Us: would you rather we said Jesus?

The World: Er…Er…Carry on…Carry on…

Us: Thank you

Lizi: We can't tell the story now, so we'll just summarize it in three words…….Snape…….

Heathy: …..implode….

Frachel: ……..boomerang…

Now back to fictional reality:

Lizi: can we come out now?

Prison Guard: Frachel can, because she likes Lord of the Rings and this is a Harry Potter fanfic.

Frachael: Hauniel Ben-Adarwain nogoth! (random cussing in elvish)

Lizi: Did she say Reefer Latte?

Heathy: Screw You Latte!

The End,

with many Starbucks Lattes.

(and congratulations to Gary Oldman on the birth and kidnapping of his daughter, Via Oldman.)


End file.
